whoops

i havent updated in forever.
i told my mom the other day i didn't want to go to school anymore. and she flipped of course. i mean, i kind of do and kind of dont. it would be great if there wasnt homework and essays and all the stuff that actually makes school what it is. i just still don't know exactly what i want to do. im still going to go to school no matter what. i dont know why i feel the need to freak my mom out like that hahahaha. amanda at work was asking me how i am so calm about everything bc she is kind of in the same situation. and i told her i'm not. which is true. i'm just the kind of person who has internal freak outs about things and then explodes about it months later. fun fun.

i went out to dinner with juan last night and we were talking about how we are turning 23 this year. which seems really weird so obviously we are just still going to tell people we are turning 21 again for the third time. haha. we were also talking about how sometimes when people ask us how old we are we kind of have a brain fart about it. i guess all those days when people used to ask what you have been doing with your life are over. i'm still waiting for the opportunity to come along where some asshole from high school comes along and ask me what i have been doing since then and i get to share that i have been an alcoholic and spent the last 3 years trying to get myself off the crack. mainly bc i think it would be great to see the look on their face. haha bc honestly do they care? no. i don't know why they bother to go out of their way. i find that the best thing is to ignore these people at all costs and hope that they are "pretending" not to know who the fuck you are as well.

katie's fiancee thing (gross) came into my job the other day. and i got all the way through the entire transaction and then BAM. there it came. "hey, don't you remember me?" and i was like "yeah,..... i know who you are" and then we had a lame 2 second conversation about how they are moving and how they are getting married in july. katie and i would probably still be friends if it weren't for him and the weirdo people she started hanging around with. i mean seriously, did he expect me to strike up a fabulous conversation with him and act like we were best friends back in the day or something? what do people want from me?

tonight i feel all sickly. i think it has to do with the lack of fruits and vegetables in my diet for the past two weeks. agh i sound like a grandpa but it's true. probably that and the fact that i have been working 6 days straight... hmm that might have something to do with it as well.

epic evils

it's not big, and maybe not even that important, but tonight when offered even a sip of someone's "you can barely taste the alcohol" alcoholic beverage, i stood my ground and politely said no thanks and waved it off. i think it's just moments like that when you remember what you believe in and why you believe in the things you do.

and just to bring up the point, bc i can't talk about this w/o doing so, if you can barely even taste it, and you need at least 3 of them to actually start feeling drunk, and you only bought one for a wasted 6 bucks... why coudlnt you just get something else and call it a day? whatever. i'm just sayin...

motivation

this weekend: i promise to work on a new art project. i have to make a portfolio. i haven't worked on anything for over a year. i have barely even doodled in the last 4 months. sad. time tomove forward and get the ball rolling. at least if i have a start, it will be motivation for a finish.
is this plan going to work? won't know unless i at least try.

i don't want to sit around at the end of this year asking myself what i did this year. this year is going to be different.

the future

there are two schools i want to go to. the chance of me getting into either of them?..................... big question mark there. what will make a school pick me over thousands of other eager students? but at least in the long run, years from now i can at least say i tried to make myself feel better. there are only a few things in my life i have ever truly seriously wanted and i'm not sure that any of them have turned out for the better or anywhere near where i wanted them to.

spontaneous combustion

omg. alan is having dinner with his boss on friday. i can't wait to hear every single detail. which i probably won't get bc he gives you the short end of the story every time. funnily (is that actually a word?) he has been telling juan a lot of things lately which is fine by me bc at least juan will tell me what happened. anywho, i think alan is supposed to "clear" things up with his boss or something. who knows, he'll probably just end up at his boss' house again... but i guess i will have to wait and see what happens.

lizzie got shipped off today. we spent her last day meeting juan at mcdonald's at the busiest time of the day. he was supposed to buy HSM3 but he didnt have enough money so we just went home and i said my last goodbyes to lizzie and gave her a huge hug. i guess i hadn't really thought about it more until today but you always miss your friends when you are sitting around in your room thinking of who you can call to hang out and then remembering, oh yeah my friend is literally on the other side of the world.

anyways, i spent the rest of my day returning stuff and then spending the money right back again. i refrained from adding to my death cab collection and got a book onsale at borders instead, one of my favorite places to waste time for hours on end. surprisingly enough i spend most of my time upstairs looking at travel, food fashion and health books. usually in between that i will look at literature and magazines and of course music+art.


so basically i am still really confused about what i want to do with my life. im thinking i should just pick a school, apply and go with it. i honestly don't know where i want to go to school, or where i want to live. sighhhh. which is really annoying and frustrating bc i used to know exactly what i wanted. and then the UNH debacle happened and my life got put into a shredder. wtf. im jealous of people who actually have it together. on the other hand maybe i am not as confused as i think and am just using this to waste time and procrastinate like i do about everything. hmm something to think about.

back to my terrible taste in television. i used to watch shows like The Hills bc it was a nice, entertaining break from my real life and it was hilarious to watch people who seemingly have everything complain about the silliest things. after awhile now, it is just getting to me and it's just not as entertaining anymore bc i look at these people, my age and older who just whine and moan and act like they are still little kids. seriously? grow up already. if you don't like someone, fine don't like them. you don't have to fake it. you don't have to force a friendship with everyone.

the living and the dead

i look over at my calendar several times a day and as i see all of the marked off days showing me that the month is halfway, over i can't help but ask myself: what have i accomplished in a month? it will soon be 3 months into this new year and of course immediately those feelings of not having done anything but hate on my job and waste my money come to mind.
but instead i decided to turn it around so that the next time i am looking at my calendar, at all of the days crossed off, i can think of something good i have done in my life.

so for the month of february: i took more than 2/3 of my insufficient paycheck and made my first $250 payment to my school loans all by myself.

it's a small something, but at least it IS something.

in other news lizzie is getting shipped off to australia soon. she'll be gone for 4 months? which is really exciting for her. i hope she gets that tan she is hoping for and meets a lot of new friends. i am excited for her, going to school in australia is really cool.
also, we have all been talking about alan a lot. i don't know what it is, i really feel like he still doesn't quite know how to be himself. or maybe he just doesn't know how to be more honest with us. he just has not found that balance. it seems like he labels himself "the underdog" and i personally feel that you are only the underdog if you want to be. if you are in a situation where you feel that way and you don't do anything about it, then those are YOUR issues. i can admit that i rag on him a lot, as i do with all of my friends. and i know that his personality differs a lot from ours and he just takes things to heart, or takes things a little too far sometimes. i understand all that. i have been friends with him long enough to figure out his habits. i have backed off a lot and made myself aware of his sensitivities. at the same time, at this point in our friendship i don't understand why if you feel a certain way you can't just come to us and tell us. it doesn't matter how we react bc we are your friends and that is what we are here for.

it is hard for me to understand how someone can't be who they are all of the time. i know that you show different sides of yourself or are more comfortable around different people and vice versa but when it all boils down it's not like you live out all of these secret things and then get embarrassed to talk about them. i don't mean to drag this all out forever and a day it just helps to process it all before i actually talk to alan. bc i will. bc i think it's important. i feel like it's going to be kind of hard bc how do you get anything out of someone who clams up all of the time?
there has to be some reason for why there is me juan and lizzie, and then there is alan. why are there issues there?

never gonna get it right

sometimes i have this really strong feeling that i have no idea what i am doing. that pretty much scares the shit out of me. it's that insecurity that brings on the questions: do i have what it takes? do i have the skills? will i be able to stand my own ground? will i fail miserably? will i be able to make it? will i become a pushover? etc etc etc.

will i ever get out of this?
well, anyway, next week is apply everywhere on every single job site until someone hires me. good luck to me.