down the main drag

i miss summer. i wish to be in the ocean right now. i don't think i went swimming at all last year but this summer i am going to try and go as much as i can. out of all of my friends i think alan is the only other person who likes to go to the beach as much as me. but he is always up for anything anyhow.
i almost have a complete year plan now. which makes me really want to go on a vacation. silly? yes. whenever i have to actually save money or think about saving money i always go to the opposite end of things and want to do something which involves spending a lot of money. besides sacrificing the majority of my paycheck every pay day, i think my plan will help me to get on the right track.
in other news, my brother is getting married in august. my entire life he has always had a girlfriend, has always had many many many different women in his life. i don't know if this stems from some kind of issues he may have or just not knowing how to be alone. or maybe he just really loves women. but i digress. he is getting married to some woman no one has ever met except for my mom this past christmas when she went to visit him in cali. it should all be very interesting to say the least. it feels weird to be attending my brothers wedding and i dont know his fiance at all. i mean, the same sort of thing happened with kelly but gerald pretty much lived at our house for a week before the wedding and i got to know him pretty well then. idk. but i have never really known much about my older siblings anyhow so i suppose this is just following the usual course of our lives.

claudia still hasn't talked to me. i mean, i'm not surprised or anything, just stating a fact. i know it's over, it just also feels kind of weird. i know our lives have drifted into different places, and despite my efforts, there isn't anything else i could do. i think the last time we were together was over some drinks at starbucks early last year and then that was it. it's strange to feel that we used to be such best friends, but after awhile you realize that your best friends, also have best friends and maybe those people are just a better fit than you.

i've started going to bed really late again. i talk about this a lot, this whole depression thing, i guess for two reasons, one is bc it was such a big player in my life and two probably bc i'm not completely over the expriences i had with it. i almost feel like i'm having a relapse bc i can tell you almost exactly how i was feeling a year ago today. a year ago this month, a year ago the next couple of months. luckily for me the last couple months of 2008 i have learned to recognize most of the warning signs and have made some effort to try and better myself and my life so that i don't slip into the old feelings i used to have about myself and my life. and last night i even started reading that dumb book again. despite how cheesy it is i guess it helped. i think it helped bc the author assesses things from all angles, the same way i assess everyone and everything.
it's so easy to want to fall right back into those old feelings. it is so comfortable and familiar. it is surprising and painful and horrifying. there is false clarity, there is always the question of why. you feel things stronger than you ever have. in the end i always still feel so fucking confused. so why is it that i still feel like i want it sometimes?
i know i need to let go of all of that one day.