i have decided that next week i will do one responsible thing per day to get my life rolling. in the right direction that is. it basically means i have to call all of the people i owe money to. but it also means getting serious about looking for apartments and schools to go to. the way i look at it, i have pretty much fucked over my life for myself. i know there is always room for improvement. but it always seems so overwhelming bc of the hole i continue to dig myself into.
i would really like to move out and have a better job. it seems easy for a lot of people my age, for them to pursue the things they want and to get a non shitty job. for me on the other hand, it is like i have always just settled for some shitty retail bullshit. i know i am more capable than that. and as far as school goes, that's another complicated issue.
as shitty and selfish as it sounds, i feel that when i finally do move out, my dad is still going to call me to ask me to do things for him or come down to do stupid shit. i don't know this for sure but i feel like there is going to be that strange dependency that this family has a habit of. that is the part of me that wants to move far enough away so that i cannot be readily available to just hop on over and have to do things i don't want to do for my family. it's more comlicated than i'm making it sound.
i really need to make a life for myself. i'll be 23 in 6 months and i feel like i have a whole lot of ..nothing. it is hard not to compare myself to all of the people who i feel are successful in all of the things i have always wanted to do.
in another thought, i know i haven't spoken about josh to anyone in months and i know that i probably shouldn't either. i don't know if it is normal that i have involuntary thoughts about him all of the time. but i do know that i am sincerely and actively trying to forget and erase the fact that he was ever a part of my life in the first place. i was thinking about it the other day and i figured out that i have spent too many years of my life having him around. i survived him through a year and half of high school. i spent two more years mourning the loss of the friendship to the point where i finally had clarity and personally forgave him. and then i spent almost a year and half trying to figure out a new friendship with him, only to finally figure out that i really feel like he was using me since the very start. in high school he was just fucking crazy and i was his safety net. and for that new year long friendship, i just feel used because of the outcome of it. i didn't feel like we were progressing and everytime we met up it was boring and serious. it was like being in a therapy session every single time. i was just there to relieve whatever serious issues were going on at the time for things he should have let go eons ago. and he was trying too hard to be my therapist, but in the end we always just ended up talking about his life issues again. and in the end if he had just told me he was using me and he didnt think our friendship would work out,then i could have accepted that. but to try and tell me that it was so much more, and then forgetting i exist, just shoves the knife in deeper.
i think about how he was the first one to really break me as a person. i have had many ups and downs just being in this family. being in this house and having to live with my parents, who obviously were not right for each other at all. but when my friendship ended with him, i always remember our last conversation. i was crying my eyes out. i told him i felt like i was losing an arm or something; a part of myself. my whole world fell apart. it was the first time i was ever truly depressed. deep, black hole despair. i didn't know what to do with myself. it was hard being 17 and not being able to understand that or being able to explain why i was so hideously upset. i was too stupid, for years and years of my life even up to now to recognize the warning signals and try and steer myself clear of all of this failure and dissappointment and depression. it's like, how many times do you have to fall in before you finally drag yourself out and stay out once and for all? it has taken me too many years to learn.
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Damn, girl. I feel like a majority of that Josh problem was akin to my Josh problem as well. People have such a creative and masterful way of manipulating others. It's scary when you sit down and think about it. To use someone for so long and make them think that they're your friend. Totally not the case, you're just there at their disposal. That shit burns for a LOOOONG time. And I know you may be not too happy with yourself for letting him back in, or for letting it carry on for so long, but we ALL do that at some point, because we ALL want to see the best in people. Or maybe that's only part of it, maybe we want to see the best in people , and maybe we just straight up fucking miss them. There is not one day I dn't sit down and think about Josh, we shared too many memorable times. But there comes a point where you realize, you don't WANT that person there anymore, and you sure as fuck don't need them. I'm glad that you are strong enough to move on, even though it comes up every now and again. It might always come up every now and again, forever...but it'll be a point where it'll come up in your thoughts and you really just won't feel anything at all. I love you girl.
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