so this journal was kind of a wasted idea. i obviously dont need to express every waking thought into 5 different sources so goodbye blogger!

hey hey hey

happy june! only a few short weeks until i turn 23. ahhh! i will most likely be really broke. ah well. i still dont know what to tell my mom what i want for my birthday. i still want that betsyville luggage. hahaha
all of these days off makes me feel like i am on vacation or something. while i enjoy sleeping in, i do understand the importance of working. whatever. in a few hours im going to arielle's house for our 'work get together' well i guess i dont have to call it that, just a bunch of friends who happen to work at the same place hanging out together. i dont think jorge is coming this time around so it will be a bunch of girls and axay. which is usually how it is anyhow bc jorge and axay have a bromance kind of thing going on and then the only other bestie axay has is jorge' brother. hahaha but i can totally understand why he isnt friends with more guys bc guys are douchebags. lol but i will miss sneaking glances at catie and jorge conversating. it's so amusing when someone else you know has a crush on someone and it's not you so you dont have to be embarrassed about anything. ahhaha

so let's talk about how my fucking chapstick ended up in the DRYER. omfg. i could strangle someone. this has happened several times but def not in the last couple of years. i thought all of my chapstick was in my drawer but ohhhhhh noo. there are pink greasy stains all over like 7 shirts and i had to take them all to the dry cleaners and it's going to cost me a bunch of money to get them cleaned. arggggh!! to make it better half of them were new shirst too. oh well. lesson learned once again. at least they will be crisp and fabulous looking when i get them back.

little machine

so on the drive home yesterday i thought i would be thinking about how some old lady might pop up in my back seat and freak me out bc i just watched drag me to hell. instead i finished listening to mcs and then started listening to old school r.e.m. and thennnn my mother's nagging voice in the back of my head started ringing clear. about not spending all of my money and not going out as much and doing important things like trying to see how much it would cost me to live when i go back to school. wtf i hate when parents are right. well, you know i have a lot of plans this summer that aren't going to be broken as far as trips and shows and such but i just like to think of it that i can do both, i just have to find a way and the money. lol. i guess i just want to prove my mom wrong. im convinced i can still do most of what i want and be able to go off on my own as well.

idk, i think it is hard for me to make those kinds of sacrifices bc i never had to. i have lived a relatively cushy life and when i was at school all i had to worry about was being at school for the most part bc everything was taken care of. and even now i have been home for a year sitting on my ass and working this lame job not really having to be accountable for much. i know HOW to be accountable.. i just dont do everything im supposed to do and sometimes when i am out galavanting with my hard earned paycheck i sometimes feel the slightest bit of guilt for not saving some or working more towards my future or something. whatever this is shit i think about pretty much almost every day. let's move on. i feel like i am wasting my time talking about this all of the time.

i saw the king of hot dads today. like the hottest of the DILFS. so yummy. too bad i wasnt around so he could hop on my line. ah well. he'll be back. they always are. grace was complaining about her hours. i mean a lot of people got shitty hours so i dont feel as badly. but grace IS technically part time as well and she thinks it is completely unfair that "college students" who are on break from school get more hours than her. i can't agree with this bc i used to be a college student and i know how much you fucking need that much money just like when you are 73 and need that fucking money. so to say that you deserve hours more than them bc you have been there longer is just bogus. i think everyone should get a fair amount of fucking hours so they feel like they are actually earning something at this job instead of wasting their lives for this bullshit.
anyways, i don't feel that awesome. i blame it on the bad m&ms i ate.

mr. mcdreamy

yesterday i told katherine i was NOT going to catch her bouquet at her wedding. i basically explained that i would stand there, but if it came in my general direction i would duck out of the way. ahhaha FIRST of all that shit is so embarrassing. it's like 'HEYYYYY now is the part where all of you SIIIIIIIINGLE people come stand around to see which one of you will be given away next!!!" and then you know what they follow it with, some extra embarrassing shit were who ever catches that stupid lace shit gets to come over and put it on your leg in front of EVERYONE. if it does come straight for my face i could catch it just for kicks. or i can close my eyes and take three steps to the left. or i could make alan be my date and call him my gay boyfriend making me exempt fron the entire thing.

i started thinking about all of those dumb movies i see and people talking about being perpetually single. like, am i already in that situation where you are going to all of your friends weddings and they start squeezing out babies and they just keep talking about relationships and being married and how "one day zanida, you too will find the love of your life" and then they start mentioning all of these other poor unfortunate single people? omg i thought that shit was supposed to happen when i was like 30.

i just want to eat cake and hope to god kyle has a bunch of really hot friends/family members i can oogle at. one plus is my bridesmaid dress has pockets in it which i thought was really exciting and cool. katherine kept laughing at me bc i was so excited about them. but i told her now i could keep my chapstick with me. and she was like "wtf zanida" but then i told her she probably didnt want me to have dry lips in her photos now would she? lol

so here's to finding my "dreamboat" (katherine's words not mine) im going to go eat some fun dip, think about blowing some bubbles outside, and hang on to my youth.

oh. yes.

this summer is looking up to be the ultimate in awesomeness. there is going to be the best fireworks/fouryear strong show at toad's in july and i know i am probably for serious going to break something but it's going to be so worth it. especially considering i have been listening to fireworks non stop since that last show. i know a bunch of sweaty dudes are going to be jumping on my head and doing weirdo body dives onto my shoulders but i couldnt be more excited, to be in the front of course. yaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

annnd tranette and i are going to go on our first real road trip together which is funny that we never have considering our life long bffl status. but its always like "whoops, im kind of broke right now, lets just go to warped tour in jersey" and then we stand around in the sun and get three shades darker and have good times anyhow but this road trip will be so epic to use tranette's words. lol

can't stop listening to fireworks

im sickly. what the flim flam is this all about? who wants to be sick in may? ugh i get really sick like once a year so i guess this is my time. im sure work tomorrow will be absolutely thrilling. hopefully there will be some of my fav hott dads to oogle at so i guess i should attempt to look like i am not falling apart. hahaha the other day some dad guy was like "how do you pronounce your name?" so i told him and then he got all excited and was all like "that's awesome!!" so i was like "thanksss". then kristen told ann marie about it and then ann marie was joking and saying "i think someone has a cruuush" and i was like "im pretty sure that guy was married.. considering his woman and child were standing right there" but whatever. i still dont know why she fucking talks to me and he was like really puppy dog cute so whatever.

one good thing about going back to school will be the amount of man meat to stare at. im really over danbury uglies. i really need a lover i think. lol
so i was thinking about katherine's wedding this fall and wondering if i can bring someone. i mean, i know im going to be a bridesmaid and everything but im still not going to know anyone...like ill know alex, but alex is the type of person who can talk to anyone and instantly become friends. me on the other hand.... and then i was thinking about how bridesmaids are paired with groomsmen which means i will have to hang out with some guy who i dont know.. ahh! hopefully kyle's friends are hott. lol. and interesting. def something to wonder about. i should really get over my social difficulties by now i guess.

still getting yelled at by my mom. real cool.

i'm starting to realize why sometimes i feel like being really selfish.




in other news:
brandon from work got hurt today. he's kind of accident prone though. he sliced his arm open on something in the back room and got carried out on a stretcher. fun fun. apparently a 3 inch deep gash. he thinks he saw bone or something but he was about to pass out so he wasn't quite sure. then he came back to get his stuff and go home and he was telling me about how he reallllly wanted stitches. ahhaha i think he just wanted another cool scar to show off. man i still have a crush on that kid. not like, an i want to go out with you crush, just thank god there is someone decent to look at/ talk to at work who is a guy bc i got over the whole "hot dad" thing a long time ago. wow i'm such a homewrecker in my mind. hahaha man and i'm still lusting after jorge in the same way. i'm pretty sure today in the break room he dropped his change 3 times, on purpose... hahha but one is never really sure. a girl can oogle.

i finally called my mom back and she was screaming at me on the phone. apparently she has been trying to call me for the last 3 days. idk. it seems like the older my phone gets the less i pay attention to it. plus the fact that either i am at work (can't check my phone often) or i am at home (zero reception) and then the rest of the time i barely even bother. pretty terrible but i swear once i get a new phone i'll pay attention. or maybe it's all bc i am just starting to not care about a lot of things going on around me in my life.

whoops

i havent updated in forever.
i told my mom the other day i didn't want to go to school anymore. and she flipped of course. i mean, i kind of do and kind of dont. it would be great if there wasnt homework and essays and all the stuff that actually makes school what it is. i just still don't know exactly what i want to do. im still going to go to school no matter what. i dont know why i feel the need to freak my mom out like that hahahaha. amanda at work was asking me how i am so calm about everything bc she is kind of in the same situation. and i told her i'm not. which is true. i'm just the kind of person who has internal freak outs about things and then explodes about it months later. fun fun.

i went out to dinner with juan last night and we were talking about how we are turning 23 this year. which seems really weird so obviously we are just still going to tell people we are turning 21 again for the third time. haha. we were also talking about how sometimes when people ask us how old we are we kind of have a brain fart about it. i guess all those days when people used to ask what you have been doing with your life are over. i'm still waiting for the opportunity to come along where some asshole from high school comes along and ask me what i have been doing since then and i get to share that i have been an alcoholic and spent the last 3 years trying to get myself off the crack. mainly bc i think it would be great to see the look on their face. haha bc honestly do they care? no. i don't know why they bother to go out of their way. i find that the best thing is to ignore these people at all costs and hope that they are "pretending" not to know who the fuck you are as well.

katie's fiancee thing (gross) came into my job the other day. and i got all the way through the entire transaction and then BAM. there it came. "hey, don't you remember me?" and i was like "yeah,..... i know who you are" and then we had a lame 2 second conversation about how they are moving and how they are getting married in july. katie and i would probably still be friends if it weren't for him and the weirdo people she started hanging around with. i mean seriously, did he expect me to strike up a fabulous conversation with him and act like we were best friends back in the day or something? what do people want from me?

tonight i feel all sickly. i think it has to do with the lack of fruits and vegetables in my diet for the past two weeks. agh i sound like a grandpa but it's true. probably that and the fact that i have been working 6 days straight... hmm that might have something to do with it as well.

epic evils

it's not big, and maybe not even that important, but tonight when offered even a sip of someone's "you can barely taste the alcohol" alcoholic beverage, i stood my ground and politely said no thanks and waved it off. i think it's just moments like that when you remember what you believe in and why you believe in the things you do.

and just to bring up the point, bc i can't talk about this w/o doing so, if you can barely even taste it, and you need at least 3 of them to actually start feeling drunk, and you only bought one for a wasted 6 bucks... why coudlnt you just get something else and call it a day? whatever. i'm just sayin...

motivation

this weekend: i promise to work on a new art project. i have to make a portfolio. i haven't worked on anything for over a year. i have barely even doodled in the last 4 months. sad. time tomove forward and get the ball rolling. at least if i have a start, it will be motivation for a finish.
is this plan going to work? won't know unless i at least try.

i don't want to sit around at the end of this year asking myself what i did this year. this year is going to be different.

the future

there are two schools i want to go to. the chance of me getting into either of them?..................... big question mark there. what will make a school pick me over thousands of other eager students? but at least in the long run, years from now i can at least say i tried to make myself feel better. there are only a few things in my life i have ever truly seriously wanted and i'm not sure that any of them have turned out for the better or anywhere near where i wanted them to.

spontaneous combustion

omg. alan is having dinner with his boss on friday. i can't wait to hear every single detail. which i probably won't get bc he gives you the short end of the story every time. funnily (is that actually a word?) he has been telling juan a lot of things lately which is fine by me bc at least juan will tell me what happened. anywho, i think alan is supposed to "clear" things up with his boss or something. who knows, he'll probably just end up at his boss' house again... but i guess i will have to wait and see what happens.

lizzie got shipped off today. we spent her last day meeting juan at mcdonald's at the busiest time of the day. he was supposed to buy HSM3 but he didnt have enough money so we just went home and i said my last goodbyes to lizzie and gave her a huge hug. i guess i hadn't really thought about it more until today but you always miss your friends when you are sitting around in your room thinking of who you can call to hang out and then remembering, oh yeah my friend is literally on the other side of the world.

anyways, i spent the rest of my day returning stuff and then spending the money right back again. i refrained from adding to my death cab collection and got a book onsale at borders instead, one of my favorite places to waste time for hours on end. surprisingly enough i spend most of my time upstairs looking at travel, food fashion and health books. usually in between that i will look at literature and magazines and of course music+art.


so basically i am still really confused about what i want to do with my life. im thinking i should just pick a school, apply and go with it. i honestly don't know where i want to go to school, or where i want to live. sighhhh. which is really annoying and frustrating bc i used to know exactly what i wanted. and then the UNH debacle happened and my life got put into a shredder. wtf. im jealous of people who actually have it together. on the other hand maybe i am not as confused as i think and am just using this to waste time and procrastinate like i do about everything. hmm something to think about.

back to my terrible taste in television. i used to watch shows like The Hills bc it was a nice, entertaining break from my real life and it was hilarious to watch people who seemingly have everything complain about the silliest things. after awhile now, it is just getting to me and it's just not as entertaining anymore bc i look at these people, my age and older who just whine and moan and act like they are still little kids. seriously? grow up already. if you don't like someone, fine don't like them. you don't have to fake it. you don't have to force a friendship with everyone.

the living and the dead

i look over at my calendar several times a day and as i see all of the marked off days showing me that the month is halfway, over i can't help but ask myself: what have i accomplished in a month? it will soon be 3 months into this new year and of course immediately those feelings of not having done anything but hate on my job and waste my money come to mind.
but instead i decided to turn it around so that the next time i am looking at my calendar, at all of the days crossed off, i can think of something good i have done in my life.

so for the month of february: i took more than 2/3 of my insufficient paycheck and made my first $250 payment to my school loans all by myself.

it's a small something, but at least it IS something.

in other news lizzie is getting shipped off to australia soon. she'll be gone for 4 months? which is really exciting for her. i hope she gets that tan she is hoping for and meets a lot of new friends. i am excited for her, going to school in australia is really cool.
also, we have all been talking about alan a lot. i don't know what it is, i really feel like he still doesn't quite know how to be himself. or maybe he just doesn't know how to be more honest with us. he just has not found that balance. it seems like he labels himself "the underdog" and i personally feel that you are only the underdog if you want to be. if you are in a situation where you feel that way and you don't do anything about it, then those are YOUR issues. i can admit that i rag on him a lot, as i do with all of my friends. and i know that his personality differs a lot from ours and he just takes things to heart, or takes things a little too far sometimes. i understand all that. i have been friends with him long enough to figure out his habits. i have backed off a lot and made myself aware of his sensitivities. at the same time, at this point in our friendship i don't understand why if you feel a certain way you can't just come to us and tell us. it doesn't matter how we react bc we are your friends and that is what we are here for.

it is hard for me to understand how someone can't be who they are all of the time. i know that you show different sides of yourself or are more comfortable around different people and vice versa but when it all boils down it's not like you live out all of these secret things and then get embarrassed to talk about them. i don't mean to drag this all out forever and a day it just helps to process it all before i actually talk to alan. bc i will. bc i think it's important. i feel like it's going to be kind of hard bc how do you get anything out of someone who clams up all of the time?
there has to be some reason for why there is me juan and lizzie, and then there is alan. why are there issues there?

never gonna get it right

sometimes i have this really strong feeling that i have no idea what i am doing. that pretty much scares the shit out of me. it's that insecurity that brings on the questions: do i have what it takes? do i have the skills? will i be able to stand my own ground? will i fail miserably? will i be able to make it? will i become a pushover? etc etc etc.

will i ever get out of this?
well, anyway, next week is apply everywhere on every single job site until someone hires me. good luck to me.

down the main drag

i miss summer. i wish to be in the ocean right now. i don't think i went swimming at all last year but this summer i am going to try and go as much as i can. out of all of my friends i think alan is the only other person who likes to go to the beach as much as me. but he is always up for anything anyhow.
i almost have a complete year plan now. which makes me really want to go on a vacation. silly? yes. whenever i have to actually save money or think about saving money i always go to the opposite end of things and want to do something which involves spending a lot of money. besides sacrificing the majority of my paycheck every pay day, i think my plan will help me to get on the right track.
in other news, my brother is getting married in august. my entire life he has always had a girlfriend, has always had many many many different women in his life. i don't know if this stems from some kind of issues he may have or just not knowing how to be alone. or maybe he just really loves women. but i digress. he is getting married to some woman no one has ever met except for my mom this past christmas when she went to visit him in cali. it should all be very interesting to say the least. it feels weird to be attending my brothers wedding and i dont know his fiance at all. i mean, the same sort of thing happened with kelly but gerald pretty much lived at our house for a week before the wedding and i got to know him pretty well then. idk. but i have never really known much about my older siblings anyhow so i suppose this is just following the usual course of our lives.

claudia still hasn't talked to me. i mean, i'm not surprised or anything, just stating a fact. i know it's over, it just also feels kind of weird. i know our lives have drifted into different places, and despite my efforts, there isn't anything else i could do. i think the last time we were together was over some drinks at starbucks early last year and then that was it. it's strange to feel that we used to be such best friends, but after awhile you realize that your best friends, also have best friends and maybe those people are just a better fit than you.

i've started going to bed really late again. i talk about this a lot, this whole depression thing, i guess for two reasons, one is bc it was such a big player in my life and two probably bc i'm not completely over the expriences i had with it. i almost feel like i'm having a relapse bc i can tell you almost exactly how i was feeling a year ago today. a year ago this month, a year ago the next couple of months. luckily for me the last couple months of 2008 i have learned to recognize most of the warning signs and have made some effort to try and better myself and my life so that i don't slip into the old feelings i used to have about myself and my life. and last night i even started reading that dumb book again. despite how cheesy it is i guess it helped. i think it helped bc the author assesses things from all angles, the same way i assess everyone and everything.
it's so easy to want to fall right back into those old feelings. it is so comfortable and familiar. it is surprising and painful and horrifying. there is false clarity, there is always the question of why. you feel things stronger than you ever have. in the end i always still feel so fucking confused. so why is it that i still feel like i want it sometimes?
i know i need to let go of all of that one day.

here right now

i don't really feel like i am one step closer to anything. i'm probably not trying hard enough. i owe a lot more to my mom than i ever thought about before. she has been paying for me and my mistakes and everything i ever wanted for my entire life. it's the least i could do to not be so fucking lazy about everything. in a perfect world i would make it so my parents wouldnt have to work anymore for the rest of their lives but since it's not a perfect world, i hope at least one day in the future i can make something of myself to show them that all of their hard work has payed off and i can give back to them somehow.

in other news, alan got mugged saturday night walking home from his subway stop to his apartment. well, i guess the guys tried to mug him but alan wouldn't give them his wallet so they beat him up instead. so he told me he got a few swings in and they had knives. i told him at least he didn't get stabbed. he got his nose broken and 14 stitches inside of his mouth. his face looks like someone dragged him across my gravel driveway. scary fucking shit man.
i really don't know what i would have done in that situation. i hope to never get mugged. i mean, i would have just given them my shit and hoped to god that they didn't want to stab me for shits and giggles. or worse. honestly if that ever happened to me i would probably be scarred emotionally for the rest of the year. the good part is that alan is ok and he's coming home soon anyhow. scary though.

moving forward

so i haven't exactly gotten to that part where i was supposed to do one important thing per day buuut the week isn't over yet so i guess i still have some time to get my act together.
so remember a couple of months ago when i was dead set on going to australia in '09? yeahhhhh.. i'm not so excited about that anymore. not that it is not a feasible thing in my life, it just seems as if ever since i mentioned it, it's like everyone and their mom is going and i just see everything about it EVERYWHERE. it has seriously lost its magic for me. im not saying that it wouldnt be totally friggin awesome to go snorkling in the great barrier, see the sydney opera house and hang out on the beach with hott aussies, but i just dont feel that awesomeness i had for it. technically it is the norm for me to change my mind about things a million years later but i guess it also has to do with lizzie being accepted to go to school there as well. and i am really excited for her and anyone else who wants to go as well but i dont want to hear from her all of the fab things she got to do bc she lived there for 5 months and then go there myself.
i feel like when i try to explain it it just sounds like a big jealousy thing, but i personally i feel it stems more from me feeling stuck. i just want to be the one to do something special no one has done and something exciting and not have have anyone beat me to the punchline. i feel like when i finally move onto the next chapter in my life, i want it to be for something great in my eyes and feel like i am not following in someone else's footsteps.

bring back cardigan weather

for some reason i can't bring myself to save money. when i actually did the last time i used it to go on that last trip across country again. whoops. my mom came home today to mildly lecture me and give me a million face kisses and squeezes like i am 3 years old. i told her i was using my next paycheck to buy art supplies and then she cocked her head to the side and gave me that patronizing "zanida, what did we talk about doing with your next paycheck?" so i was like " i don't know" and then she says " you promised you would put money away. blah blah blah. etc etc"
it's like really, zanida? you can't save money?
GROW UP.
yeah, i think i am going to be doing a lot of that this year. i mean seriously. i can't really expect to move forward, if i keep acting the way i do. it's sadly as simple as that.

today some guy called in and he told me some sob story over the phone. him and his wife registered at my store and then they had the room all ready to go and they were having twins and then the twins DIED. so they wanted to know if they could return all the stuff they bought. sooo i didnt really make much of it bc it was a random call and in retail you have to look out for certain things like that, plus i mean, i didnt really know what to say to that anyhow. i dont have any personal connection to you and i have never seen you face to face.
so i put him on with my manager and then when he came in he just looked AWFUL. naturally of course and then it all started to sink in how TERRIBLE it would be to lose BOTH children and then on top of that have to drive around all day and to a million different stores returning all of the stuff for your dead babies. DAMN. i honestly would not be able to do that. i would have to have someone else do that for me. he looked like he was about to burst into a million tears the entire time. wow. big hugs to that guy.

i'd like to be the new girl in town

i have decided that next week i will do one responsible thing per day to get my life rolling. in the right direction that is. it basically means i have to call all of the people i owe money to. but it also means getting serious about looking for apartments and schools to go to. the way i look at it, i have pretty much fucked over my life for myself. i know there is always room for improvement. but it always seems so overwhelming bc of the hole i continue to dig myself into.
i would really like to move out and have a better job. it seems easy for a lot of people my age, for them to pursue the things they want and to get a non shitty job. for me on the other hand, it is like i have always just settled for some shitty retail bullshit. i know i am more capable than that. and as far as school goes, that's another complicated issue.
as shitty and selfish as it sounds, i feel that when i finally do move out, my dad is still going to call me to ask me to do things for him or come down to do stupid shit. i don't know this for sure but i feel like there is going to be that strange dependency that this family has a habit of. that is the part of me that wants to move far enough away so that i cannot be readily available to just hop on over and have to do things i don't want to do for my family. it's more comlicated than i'm making it sound.
i really need to make a life for myself. i'll be 23 in 6 months and i feel like i have a whole lot of ..nothing. it is hard not to compare myself to all of the people who i feel are successful in all of the things i have always wanted to do.
in another thought, i know i haven't spoken about josh to anyone in months and i know that i probably shouldn't either. i don't know if it is normal that i have involuntary thoughts about him all of the time. but i do know that i am sincerely and actively trying to forget and erase the fact that he was ever a part of my life in the first place. i was thinking about it the other day and i figured out that i have spent too many years of my life having him around. i survived him through a year and half of high school. i spent two more years mourning the loss of the friendship to the point where i finally had clarity and personally forgave him. and then i spent almost a year and half trying to figure out a new friendship with him, only to finally figure out that i really feel like he was using me since the very start. in high school he was just fucking crazy and i was his safety net. and for that new year long friendship, i just feel used because of the outcome of it. i didn't feel like we were progressing and everytime we met up it was boring and serious. it was like being in a therapy session every single time. i was just there to relieve whatever serious issues were going on at the time for things he should have let go eons ago. and he was trying too hard to be my therapist, but in the end we always just ended up talking about his life issues again. and in the end if he had just told me he was using me and he didnt think our friendship would work out,then i could have accepted that. but to try and tell me that it was so much more, and then forgetting i exist, just shoves the knife in deeper.
i think about how he was the first one to really break me as a person. i have had many ups and downs just being in this family. being in this house and having to live with my parents, who obviously were not right for each other at all. but when my friendship ended with him, i always remember our last conversation. i was crying my eyes out. i told him i felt like i was losing an arm or something; a part of myself. my whole world fell apart. it was the first time i was ever truly depressed. deep, black hole despair. i didn't know what to do with myself. it was hard being 17 and not being able to understand that or being able to explain why i was so hideously upset. i was too stupid, for years and years of my life even up to now to recognize the warning signals and try and steer myself clear of all of this failure and dissappointment and depression. it's like, how many times do you have to fall in before you finally drag yourself out and stay out once and for all? it has taken me too many years to learn.